ENTRY 1: Starting Over

Dear diary

I’m starting to believe that the realisation of ‘I’m not really living life’ hits hardest when its time to let go of your old self and begin embracing the new version of self. When certain habits no longer serve you, certain friends no longer bring you joy, and what interested you a year, a month, a week ago or even a day ago, no longer seems worth getting out of bed for.

My life has been a paradox of sorts these last few months, I have been having what I could describe as ‘the worst time‘ while simultaneously living my best life. I had to take a forced pause because there was no way I’d possibly be able to go on like that… like there was something missing.

Fed up with how I had been living life and exhausted because the bad days seemed to last longer than they should, I embarked on a journey to help me discover the habits, thoughts and feelings that were keeping me from enjoying life every single second. Coincidentally, my friend Njoki, {https://www.instagram.com/artsy_bantu/} happened to post one of her art work that really spoke to me. Her art inspired me to write and as I allowed my mind to process its thoughts freely, I came to a major realisation about life, which perhaps could apply to you.

Heavy Heart by artsy_bantu (IG)

When we are born into the world, we are welcome with open arms, exactly as we are. But as we grow up things begin to change. The more you show your individual traits, the more they want to shut you off. No ! Your religion dictates… No ! your tradition dictates… NO! you have to behave in a manner that well represents the school/ this place of work.

Somewhere along they way, we lose our authentic self, we become versions of ourself that are creations of the environment around us. We do not know how liberating it feels to be who you want and do what you want (within reason of course), because the times you showed your true self you got shut off.

Now here you are in your twenties, thirties, forties… living in a completely different space, but still existing as a creation of your past environment. Still shackled to who the past wanted you to be, and held hostage by who the present wants you to be. You are burdened because you are unable to be who you are in the moment as you try discover what you are destined to be.

Heavy heart, because you’re not being honest with yourself; heavy heart because you’re forcing yourself to do few or none of the things that bring you life. Forcing yourself to stick to people, places and things that do not serve to make you feel alive. Heavy heart because with each passing day, the light on your authentic self dims

Starting over is not a matter of simply putting an end to habits or saying ‘New Slate’. To me it’s a matter of continuously working to rid myself of internalised beliefs about myself that I picked up in my formation years. Beliefs that are not necessarily true, and that hinder me from growth. Starting over means striving to be my authentic self, no matter how that looks like to other people.

How does starting over look like to you?

4 thoughts on “ENTRY 1: Starting Over”

  1. I loved reading this! I felt it so much! Hmm for me starting over is living in consciousness of who you are and not allowing life to pass you by. Importantly it is starting over on your terms and not on what others dictate it should be to you.

  2. Its so funny how my art inspired you and now your writing is inspiring me! The whole time i was reading i was yelling “YEEEEEES PREACH!”. You’re a beautiful writer and wise beyond your years…
    You’re doing amazing sweetie x

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