LIFE

DEATH; THE EXIT.

‘ This is for my people who just lost somebody; your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady.. mothers, daddies, sisters, friends and brothers, this is for my people who just lost their grandmothers. We will never say bye.’ – Bye bye Mariah Carey

When I was younger I always used to wonder who in my family would be the first to go. I was (and maybe still am) interested in my own position in that line. Unfortunately the list has begun to reveal itself..

This train of thought used to make me fear death completely, ‘how is it possible to just stop breathing ?’ ‘Is it painful?’ ‘Which is better; death in your sleep or being shot?’ Truth is these are just mundane questions whose answers we will never really know; one can only imagine , never actually coming to a solid answer. Why? Because we have to experience it.

I have a theory,

‘ A person in their final days knows it; they just can’t tell anyone about it for the fact that its personal. In any case, no one will believe you or they’ll quickly dismiss you as you talk to them, perhaps calling it ‘bad/dark thoughts.’

Now I’m sure you’re wondering how/ why/ when I came up with this. Well, simply from observation as well as hearing as people recount the last moments they shared with the deceased. There’s that line that is so commonly said ‘ Its like they knew they were going‘. The most intimate time I heard that line being used was after the death of my Late Aunt Ciru, and looking back at her final months and days, it was as if she knew…

Only problem is, being human, we never want to think about it [death], so we can only wait for it to show up at our doorsteps, something I must admit is quite the bad habit.

‘Why do you live like tomorrow is promised?’

How easy is it for us to say things like ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ or ‘Can we meet next week instead?’ To be fair, I agree on the unpredictability of this life we are living. There are times when circumstances just do not allow us to do all we want/ set our minds to do in a given day. It may be stress levels/ unfavourable weather/ work overload, you name it.

However, if you really reflect on it, there’s been times you just rescheduled or procrastinated because you assumed ‘tomorrow‘ is another day that will be granted to  you. If you’re reading this, obviously your assumption came to pass, but that luck can’t last forever.

With death, more often than not, comes the feeling of regret. This emotion always reveals itself in subtle and not so subtle forms after the demise of someone. We always hear it, we always express it in our words…

We were supposed to..but I put it off’

‘I actually wanted to come see him/her last week..but’

‘I wish our last conversation wasn’t a fight…’

‘I wish I knew they were suffering/ I wish I did something..’

I have personally been a victim of this myself. Exactly one year and a week ago, my grandfather passed away…. unexpectedly. Just a week prior, mum had told me to call him and let him know that I was home. I instead suggested we go see him over the weekend when he was free (mainly because I’m very uncomfortable with phone calls, something I’ve really been struggling to change since). As you may already have figured it out, I did not get to see him because he proceeded to fall seriously ill a day or two later; and unfortunately he did not want us to see him in that state. I should have gone though, I should have forced issues, I shouldn’t have entertained guests in the house while he was dying in a hospital bed… (R.E.G.R.E.T). He died, and it took me months to be at peace with it and forgive myself for putting unimportant things before the ones that matter most to me.

There’s honestly nothing as bad, as looking down at the coffin of someone you love and get overwhelmed with sadness.  True, death is a sad occurrence in the fact that we lose someone we love, but it really should be about celebrating the fact that they lived and we got to be a part of their life. So tell me, why did I, why do we, feel regret when it happens?

‘We need to live our lives as if we were to die tomorrow.’ – Mahatma Gandhi

Death or even the thought of it, changes us; directly or indirectly and whether we like it or not.

I don’t know if you’ve read stories of patient’s who are given a few months/years to live and how they sometimes manage to accomplish a lot before their time comes. I always find such interesting. I mean, imagine ticking many things off your bucket list in a limited time.. the mere thought of going without having done much appears to be the force that pushes us to go the extra mile.

Maybe living with the thought that the next 24 hours may be our last is a habit we need to learn to practice. ‘If these were my last 24 hours, how would I want to spend them?’

How do you want to be remembered? and what do you want to be remembered for? Some of us will be great; known across all continents of the world, make millions. Some of us will be unknown; surviving, making money but choosing to remain unknown. Whatever our path, the destination is the same; 6 feet in. So what really matters is what you leave behind, how do you want to be remembered?

Truth is, you’ll mainly be remembered for the number of people whose lives you touched and somehow changed.

I’ll end with lyrics from a song I heard once, a while back that really are the reason I chose to write on this topic (I’ve never found the song unfortunately)

” I heard you die twice, Once when they lower you into your grave. The second when they stop saying your name.”

 

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‘You’re alive because you haven’t reached your best yet’ – Eric Thomas

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LIFE

TO: A YOUNGER ME. (Part II)

A continuation of Part I..  TO: A YOUNGER ME. (Part I)

 

THE FINALE?

The point of this ‘chapter’ is to enable the reader to appreciate that change happens to everyone both internally and externally. Take time and use the questions to reflect on your own change over the years.

 

4.  IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DREAMED OF ACHIEVING WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, ARE ON THE WAY TO ACHIEVING OR ARE STILL HOPING TO ACHIEVE?

 You may not be where your younger self wanted to be.. but one thing for sure is that where you are at this moment, is where you’re meant to be.

R.J.K – We all have dreams as children of course. My main ones are in the category of hoping to achieve or still hoping to achieve. I’ve always loved the idea of wealth and making a name for myself in the world. Remember when I said I am materialistic? For me the end goal is to be at the top, successful and powerful no matter what. People say first you get the money then the power. You make some paper then you make your own rules. I probably push myself to get on with my life and try to make something out of myself so that one day I can look at the life I’d be living and just smile and my efforts.  That’s what makes my world go round.

Nyambura–  Yaass! I dreamed of writing for a larger audience than my diary, God and my four walls. Now that this is a reality, I am working to build Bloomkalture to greater heights. Always dreamed of being a talk show host as well, let’s see how that goes! 😉

Titania –  I guess intellectual growth is major one. I’m currently in Uni and I love what I’m doing. When I started my course guys were betting I wouldn’t even finish an year but I’m going to my second semester in second year and I think I got this. The second one is really funny I want 12 children, I always have, but I’m still hoping to achieve it.

I also hope to travel the world.

 

Serut–  I’ve always wanted to do well in school all through which I can say is still going well. Sometimes I tend to be short sighted so I never thought much about the future. More of my goals have started to pop up as I’ve grown.

 

 

 Stephanie- I dreamed of many things, to date I still do. I’ve always thought of myself as a child in this playground called the world. I wanted to start a blog and I did. I wanted to get to med school, worked hard and I did. Even small things like learning matatu routes…done that! There are some projects I’m working on currently, humanitarian in nature .. let’s see where that goes 😊

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Rafael–  I always lied to myself that I will be a pilot and I will fly the world. Well, I have achieved the latter, the former remains a bucket-list item. I also dreamt of never having to struggle to approach girls and engage them in conversation. So, I believe that is a bonus.

 

Andrew –  I dreamed of performing for crowds of people and making my own music. So far I am achieving that, albeit with smaller crowds and more or covers than original music. The dream has “evolved” to being a producer as well. So far I am still learning how to do that.

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Owen–  Umm, I always dreamed of becoming a performer. Lights, big stages and the audience always made me happy. Made me feel like I was at a home away from home. Have I achieved it? I’d say I’m in the process of achieving it. Everything takes time and everything has its Own time.

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Louise–  I dreamed of being a model. I am currently working on it and have made steps towards it thankfully

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Photographer’s IG Handle : @kidd_volt

 

5. WHAT DOES ‘GLO-UP’ MEAN TO YOU? IN WHAT WAY DO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE HAD A GLO-UP BETWEEN YOUR YOUNGER YEARS AND NOW?

‘OMG Ivy you’ve had such a glow up’.. is a sentence I’ve heard enough times. I appreciate that I have physically change but that shouldn’t blind me from acknowledging my internal growth as well.

R.J.K– The term “Glo up” to me means transformation as you grow. A positive change in you that portrays you in such a manner that can be paralleled to you radiating a glow thus the term “Glo up”. To me, “Glo up” comes with two types of growth: Physical and Mental. Sometime this week, I met somebody I had not seen in a few years and just as we got to catching up, she expressed how I have changed and I’m looking pretty handsome. That statement wouldn’t be uttered if I was looking ugly lol. Personally, I’m very conscious of my physical appearance I don’t mean I’m embarrassed or anything but I pay keen attention to detail when it comes to how I look. I like to dress in a certain way, I like my haircut done in a certain way and neat, by the time I’m leaving the house, I’m feeling confident in my look. I guess this contributes to my physical “Glo up” heavily but I’m happy with myself and how I appear as opposed to the chubby little me looking a bit fugly but wouldn’t change a thing on myself now and I guess I have “Glown up”

In reference to mental growth, my mental “Glo up” has probably majorly happened in the past 1-2 years. I did state that as a younger person, I was a naïve person.  The last 2 years have come with some hard-learnt lessons from mistakes that I have made, perceptions of “friendships” that I deemed to have been the ideal friendships but soon tumbled down and the hardest of all, seeing dark sides of people who I thought were my riders. Shit happens, friends come and go, relationships actually do die but that’s not the end of the book, but the end of a paragraph or a chapter in the book of being the greatest version of you. Life goes on like nothing happened and you indeed meet other people who you will fall in love with as friends and others as companions and what I’m just trying to point out is that for me to state the previous sentence without a heavy heart or any despair, it requires you to fall, probably fall again and get yourself up but for you to get up I believe you have to grow mentally as that growth only comes as a result of learning something from the things that put you down or tear you apart. Embrace each setback. So, looking back I’m really proud of the person I’m growing up to be and to me, for me to look at myself and be impressed with the character I’m building for myself simply tells me that there is growth in my character and mentality.

Nyambura– Yaass! I dreamed of writing for a larger audience than my diary, God and my four walls. Now that this is a reality, I am working to build Bloomkalture to greater heights. Always dreamed of being a talk show host as well, let’s see how that goes! 😉

Titania– For me a ‘glo up’ is to grow or change in all aspects of life (for the better of course) whether it’s physically, emotionally, spiritually or even mentally.

So how have I gone through a ‘glo up’? I think I’m still going through my ‘glo up’ phase because I’m not where I want to be as yet but I’m seeing progress. I won’t lie it’s hard like waking up to work out or food prep or even constantly doing my devotion and learning how to balance them all. But the journey’s alright. I think becoming more confident is my major ‘glo up’

 

Serut– I see a glo up as general improvement in different areas of your life despite most people taking it in the physical sense. This could be a book on it’s own 😅 I’ve learned to trust and believe in myself more and disregard the negativity around me which has helped me stand on my own feet and be happier in general. These looks have come from far heh 😂 looking back at late primary and early high school I realize that puberty hit like a truck. I love my body more now that I have accepted that what society deems to be desirable isn’t set in stone. My decision making is also much better at the moment because growing older and experiencing different things has made me wiser to some extent.

 

Stephanie– Glo up to me means becoming a better version of yourself be it physical, emotional or behaviour-wise. I’ve had a glo up character wise, but it’s still a work in progress. I’ve learnt to accept that not everyone will like you but that’s life.  I’m not perfect but that doesn’t mean im not one step closer to becoming a better person than I was yesterday.

 

 

Rafael– Well, for me a glow up would be you becoming a better version of yourself. And I feel in as much my academic prowess has dwindled over the years, I have heard glow up in social, mental, and even physical areas.

 

Andrew– “Glo-up”, to me, would mean a noticeable positive change in one’s character, style or activities they do – an incredible step-up.

I feel like I have had a glo-up in interacting with other people – speaking less and listening more, not being too open initially and being patient with the process of forming friendships.

Also, I feel like I’ve had a glo-up in music. I have become more confident when playing for people, valuing practice time more, as well as in airing my views during practice to other band-mates or a singer.

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Owen– “Glow up”. Hmm does Puberty count? to me means a transition, a change from one thing to something better. Do I feel like I’ve had a glow up? Umm yes. A very serious one. Emotionally, Mentally even Physically 😏 but definitely there’s been a change. Both seen and unseen

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Louise– To me, ‘Glo up’ means becoming who you want to be. Whether by losing or gaining weight, starting a natural hair journey or even broadening your knowledge on certain topics (not just the physical stuff). It means becoming the best version of yourself to the point not even a single bit of negativity can deter you, because you know how much it took for you to build yourself to that point.

 

6. WHAT QUOTE/ WORDS OF WISDOM/ BIBLE VERSE/ SONG LYRICS KEEP YOU GOING?

See the thing about words is, they cut deep, particularly in the long run. For that reason we are always warned to be careful of what we read and listen to..

R.J.K

Life must go on & The only person that’s got my back is myself.

A reminder to myself that things will not wait for me, if I want something I work for it and go get it, if something puts me down I should not fall and lie down but instead try put myself together as things will go on if I was to stagnate. There isn’t time and room for bitching and sulking in my life.

 

Nyambura

Life is short and precarious.

-I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Phillipians 4: 13.

-It’s okay. Keep going!

-Do you, ‘cause no one can do you like you do boo!

Titania

Bible verse Joshua 1:9-10 Galatians 6:9 Proverbs 3:5-6

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“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
 – Buddha

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
– Lucille Ball

 

Stephanie

  1. Be yourself, you don’t have to fit in .. that’s why you’re you.
  2. Don’t do stuff expecting rewards or payment back
  3. If everyone loves you , there’s something you’re doing wrong
  4. Go for it , whats the worse that could happen?
  5. JUST DO YOU, BOO BOO!

Serut

it’s always darkest before the dawn (lyric from shake it out by Florence and the machine) because no matter how bad things get there’s always light along the way.

Rafael

If you always say no, you will never say yes. (Mine)

Life is like a bike, to keep balancing, you have to keep moving forward. (Anonymous)

Prayer without action is useless. (St. Paul)

 

Andrew

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

Dream big, start small.

Owen

“Every wolf has its own platform, so choose the wolf to feed.” Words of wisdom? not every-time will the world accept what you’re doing as right.

Louise

  • My Dad once told me ‘The only thing stopping yourself is you’ and that really helped me get out of my comfort zone.
  • Thought become things

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do and he will show you the right way

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Photographer IG Handle : @hanso.theman

 

 

REFLECTION

I’ll keep this short since all I wanted to say has been put forward by the responses above.

  • Glo ups can be both internal and external
  • We all have dreams which we may not have achieved but there’s no time limit to achieve them
  • Life hits us in so many different ways which results in us having different scars.. but we’re still beautiful

 

‘If you are alive, you haven’t reached your best yet.- Eric Thomas.

 

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I know you won’t see him clearly but my dad is in the background 😀

 

 

 

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LIFE

TO: A YOUNGER ME. (Part I)

‘I know this post was due some time in September last year, but my idea for it kept changing so much I chose to give myself time to think about it. Now thanks to  two of my friends, here it is…’

 The Pilot

Introducing you to the participants of the post.. Some have chosen to remain anonymous but the rest, as you will see at the end, are people you probably already know whether through social media or through mutual friends.

The idea for the post is, for readers to see and hopefully appreciate that we all go through similar things, just in different ways.

Ps/: You can pick one participant and follow their answers to the end

 

 

  1. Describe yourself in 1-2 sentences.

    I find that most people, myself included do not really know who we are.. or rather we find it hard to answer questions about ourselves when put on the spot.. but will be quick to answer about another.. take time dear reader.. find out who YOU are.

R.J.K – ( Law student, a friend, a brother)

A lover of life, making the best out of it and the finer things that come along with it. I’m a realist and will express things as they are or how they present themselves, I believe in truth.Sad but, I’m an extremely materialistic person as well but it’s not something I’m sad about or embarrassed to say about myself.

Nyambura ( A blogger  Click to visit her blog, a friend, a neighbour)

Soulful, free spirited, wild hearted 24 year old who loves icecream, writing and good vibes. Did I mention how much I love to laugh?

Titania ( Pharmacy student, a long time friend, a happy soul)

I’m going to use the basic that everyone tells me ‘you’re so tall’. But other than that I guess I’m an outgoing person who likes laughing a lot and I wouldn’t forget that I’m very emotional

 

Serut- ( Chemistry lab partner, a nemesis turned friend, brainy child)

I would say I’m shy but outspoken (the irony is not lost on me 😅) I’m introverted but wouldn’t turn down an opportunity for adventure and I have the kind of personality which people either hate or love. There’s really no in between here.

Stephanie– ( Blogger, a friend, long distance runner) Her fashion blog

I’m an assertive, confident, and ambitious hella ting with a head on my shoulders and a heart for helping 😊. Basically, I’m me.

Idk the adjective for activist …but I’m also that.

Ivy, two sentences are not enough … 

Rafael- ( Photographer, Friend, Student)Give him a follow

I am a workaholic and I have a mild case of OCD. I am open minded and quite religious, as well as a bit of a weird kid. I like talking to people.

 

Andrew– ( Guitar player, Musician, Friend)

I am an introvert with an interest in music, the arts and sci-fi (of the comic and movie variety). Opening up to others becomes easier when the vibes are comfortable enough for me to do so.

Owen– ( Twin, First ever crush, Friend ) He can sing 🙂

Well my name’s Owen and I’m basically a person who’s in love with art, culture and People.

Louise– ( Friend, Model, Student)  Peep her instagram page

I’m fun, joyful, optimistic and daring. I’m also supportive and a great friend to those who accept my friendship.

2.   Describe your younger self in 1-2 sentences

‘See the thing is, to appreciate where you are now and plan for where you’re going, you need to know where you’ve come from..’

R.J.K – Naïve and oblivious to the realities of the world/life. I was also rather Fat and Chubby lol. I had (still have) a great love for sports but I played more actively then. When I was 13, the first person on my list of people that I will definitely never forget crossed my path. 

Nyambura – My younger self was independent, curious, extremely caring (to a fault) and hard working. In my teenage years, I bore the burden of low self-esteem. Nonetheless, at the core, I have always been full of life and a dreamer; from 9 to 19 to now, almost 24.

Titania- My younger self was very shy and of course shorter, but I’d say I wasn’t confident enough with myself.

 

Serut– My younger self cared far too much about other people’s opinions and was hell bent on fitting in. I was an extremely bossy child. It was my way or the highway. My introverted ways were still commonplace back then.

Stephanie– I was a constantly worried about what everyone thought about me and it affected me greatly.

Rafael- He was innocent, oblivious, shy and hardworking

 

Andrew- My younger self was too impatient with friendships and social interactions, expecting people to be as open (as he was with them) too early. He would also not see the point of practice, mostly with musical instruments, but still do the tasks given by his teachers.

Owen- I was basically a VERY FAT child, like believe me. I was round. And I had no neck at some point. It was quite fascinating 😂

Louise– Well, my younger self was extremely shy and very afraid of what people thought of her. She was way too safe in her tiny comfort zone and didn’t do much to come out of it. She thought so little of herself even though the latter was not true, which I eventually realised as I grew older.

 

3. Given the chance to address your younger self, what would you tell him/her?

‘ Sometimes we wish we could go back, to a specific day/month/year of our lives particularly when we want to change something.

Write a paragraph to your younger self, advise them from where you are in your life. It may help you appreciate how far you’ve come instead of wishing you were in someone else’s shoes.

R.J.K – Be grateful for the people that have crossed your path, they have come with different things to offer and the effect can be seen. Respect the process, do your thing. The older me can say that with affirmation of results. Continue loving yourself like you always have only you love you the most. Keep ya head up

Nyambura– You are so amazing! I love your heart of gold and your perseverant spirit. Trust yourself a little more, forgive often, and place total dependence on God. He got you, I got you, and you got this! Keep going my star!

Titania – I would tell her to relax it’s never that serious and change takes time. I would also tell her to take it easy on herself and not give up with time comes progress

 

Serut– I would tell her to hang in there because things get a lot better. You’ll grow into your head. You’ll get some friends who’ll stick around and others will leave but you’ll be fine. Not everyone you trust will stab you in the back so don’t be afraid to open up. You will find love and you shouldn’t always question it. Drink water because it’s healthy. Get off your bum because you’re quite lazy and have fun because you don’t have responsibilities yet.

Stephanie-

  1. Be yourself, you don’t have to fit in .. that’s why you’re you.
  2. Don’t do stuff expecting rewards or payment back
  3. If everyone loves you , there’s something you’re doing wrong
  4. Go for it , whats the worse that could happen?
  5. JUST DO YOU, BOO BOO!

Rafael– Do not let anyone ever get into your head. Listening to other people and letting them influence how you do your thing is going to mess you up. Keep being you

 

Andrew– I would tell my younger self to be patient with people and with learning skills – mostly music (^__^) –, value practice more, trust the teachers’ methods of teaching and not to be in a hurry to grow up. I would also tell him to learn to be comfortable alone or in his own skin

Owen – If I could speak to the younger me I’d basically tell myself to stop thinking and start living. I let too many good moments and good things pass me by because of living too much inside my head

Louise – I would tell her that it’s never that serious. No one really has it all figured out and you shouldn’t feel disappointed in yourself because you’re not yet where you want to be. Life is a process and as you go on, you learn new things about yourself and the people around you. I’d tell her to be bolder and stop worrying about what people think. I’d tell her that she’s very beautiful and there’s no standard of beauty she should be to be considered beautiful by others. I’d tell her to dream bigger and not to be afraid to go for what she wants. Most of all I’d tell her to put God above everything.

 

Reflection.

Does anyone really know how to answer the question..’ Tell me about yourself/ describe yourself in a few sentences.’?

Think about the times you’ve been asked this question? At a job interview, when interacting with someone new..e.t.c  What did you say?  Is what you answered accurate at this moment?

Fact is we are constantly changing and learning more about ourselves with each passing day..

If you were asked at this moment to describe yourself.. what would you say?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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LIFE

SIBLING RIVALRY.

About 12 years ago, if I was asked about my older brother I would have very few positive things to say. Trust me my parents especially my mother gave me endless talks on the importance of having an older brother and how if they were to die at that moment he’d be the one to take of my younger brother and I.

I being the stubborn girl I was,refused to listen to them until they eventually gave up. I would literally find the smallest excuse to fight with him and when I say fight I mean literally that, the blows that have been exchanged between us would definitely have earned us roles in WWE ( who else was shocked to find out it was all acting? ). Funnily enough that was one of the few shows we could have been found watching in peace. He probably disliked me because he enjoyed being an only child and getting attention all the time until that attention had to be divided, or maybe it’s because I was just annoying. 😀 (If you know him feel free to ask).

I guess things begun to change when he left Kenya to study, you know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? I kind of missed his presence in the house but pride would never allow me to admit that. It was actually so bad I never used to Skype him cause I was scared my true emotions would show.

3 years later I also left my parent’s house to join him and I guess its safe to say we’ve grown closer.

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No we don’t look alike -.-

What breaks my heart is seeing our parent’s generation allowing material things to get in the way of their relationships with their siblings. These are people they grew up with somehow getting along and now they would go as far as wishing death upon them.

How does a fight even get to the point of wishing death upon another?

They say charity begins at home, maybe that’s why there’s no love in the world; there’s no love between us and our brothers.

How would you let a stranger come between you and your brother? To the point that you’d get joy from seeing your own blood suffer. Remember the methali(proverb) we used to be forced to write inshas on? Damu ni nzito kuliko maji. English equivalent: Blood is thicker than water.

Remember the stories you’d write? Why not incorporate that in real life.

How do we let the hate we have towards them blind us from remembering how good they were to us in the past, and possibly prevent us from experiencing the good times we could have with them in the present.

Only when they die then we will know..

Our pride will be the end of us all.

Why is it then when we disagree with someone we let it develop into an argument which ends up as a fight. We are all entitled to our own opinions, but that doesn’t mean we are right.

Why then can’t I be the bigger person in that situation and try meet the other person halfway?

Why would I then allow the fight to go on for years on end ? I can barely face the person while in the same room as them.

The worst thing about fights between parents and their siblings is that they allow them to trickle down to the next generation as a means of “shielding them”. What are you shielding them from other than the chance to get to know and interact with their own blood?

20 years might be too late to try forming strong relationships with someone you had the chance to get to know from the day of their birth.

I fought with my brother yes, we still do fight at times and we still have future fights to go, but that doesn’t mean we let it get in the way of our relationship.

I cannot expect myself to be closer friends to people I meet out here in the world than I am to my own siblings.

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Me and my baby ❤

Jealousy could be the issue.

You see them making a name for themselves and building themselves up, it eats you from the inside out, you do not like it. You had the same opportunities, you probably even got more from the parents that you share but you let jealousy consume you and you begin pulling away.

You then begin turning people away from them by spreading false rumours, they hear these rumours and laugh in disbelief but continue loving you..however they learn to love you from a distance.

You can’t stand to see your brother happy while you’re hating, you gang everyone against him and it makes you satisfied to see him all on his own.

Money , what is it other than paper that is meant to help in conducting business. Why do we use it as a measure of our wealth?

Or maybe we’re jealous of the people who steal our sibling’s hearts and turn their attention away from us. Well how else would you expect your family to expand?

You honestly do not have to agree with their partner of choice. It’s okay its just none of your business honestly. Now I’m not saying sit and watch as they are being led astray, by all means step in and advise them if you see them changing for the worse.

However, do not interfere where you shouldn’t. Welcome him/her to the family especially if they end up getting married and treat them with the same respect you’d want to be treated with by another family.

 

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Last words are so important.

If say, (God forbid) your sibling was to be called back by God today, can you remember the last words you said to them?

How do those words make you feel? Good or bad? Are you proud of your last encounter with them or would you wish to God you had another chance and you swear you’d do better?

Well instead of waiting to wish for better days, try make amends now, call them or text. It doesn’t matter if they don’t respond at least you’re at peace.

Lets not allow our siblings to suffer in silence when we are there to help them. <3.

Spread love. 🙂

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This is a picture that will welcome you to my late grandparents house 🙂

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Feel free to add your thoughts. 🙂

 

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LIFE

INSECURITY; IT EATS YOU FROM INSIDE.

Insecure (n) : Not feeling at all confident about yourself, your abilities, or your relationships with people.

This ‘condition’ of insecurity is something I’ve suffered from for a big part of my life. It’s crazy the things we allow people to say to us and worse still the negative comments we make to ourselves in addition to that.

‘Would you be friends with people who spoke to you the way you spoke to yourself?’ (Found this on Twitter @jyoungwhite)

I’m going to tell a story about what I have personally allowed myself to go through. Before I begin, I must warn you that this is a very personal post and it may be quite lengthy.

THE BEGINNING

Younger me was very well fed and I say that without exaggeration. I was round but my parents weren’t worried. I was born underweight at 2.9kg, so you can imagine my parents’ satisfaction when I ate well and added weight over the years. In fact according to my mum I couldn’t wear the clothes my brother wore at four months when I was only a month old.

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My mother and baby me. I wonder how she got me to smile because I was a grumpy baby.

HOME IS WHERE IT HURTS

Kids can be cruel. I was about 6/7 , walking around the estate. I saw some girls and decided to go and try befriend them but when I got close enough one made a comment about my weight and size and they both burst into laughter, “fat mama” is what they called me.. there was no one else around us at the time.

We moved, this brought about mixed emotions in me, this is because having no friends in the previous area, I resorted to playing with my pets(we had dogs, cats and birds which were sadly eaten by the dog )and this current estate does not allow pets.

I wanted a change in my life. I was 11 and wanted to have ‘neighbourhood friends’. One night KPLC decided we didn’t need electricity and unfortunately the generator that was available was only for the security systems and street lamps. We were out walking, all of us but I was shy of talking to them, I didn’t know how. As we were passing under one street lamp one boy not so quietly told another “Look at the size of her stomach” and they then proceeded to laugh. I think I cried that night..in my bed the only place I felt safe.

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I miss Mombasa!!

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I honestly look at such pictures and laugh at my choice of clothes

FAMILY DON’T REALISE THEY HURT US TOO

You’d think your family wouldn’t partake in bringing you down right? Wrong? When it comes to family, it hurts the most because these are people who are supposed to love you unconditionally and aim to bring you up when you’re down.

It was an uncle’s wedding year 2012, I was asked to be a bridesmaid, God knows why, I am not close to him, in fact that was the first time I had heard of him.. anyway.. I went for the dress fitting with my mother , I wasn’t feeling confident at all in the dress especially because of the design and the material but it was too late to back out .. I step out of the changing room to find an aunt of mine ( married to my dad’s brother) talking to my mum. She didn’t even bother to say hi, just watched as my mum checked on the dress and the fitting, she then decided to unleash her thoughts..‘Ivy you’re too fat!”

I honestly cannot explain how that made me feel, and how for the rest of the day I had to hide the fact that I wasn’t affected by it, I even managed to convince myself that I wasn’t hurt at all.

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This man is my hero without the cape. I was clearly not amused with being lifted

SCHOOL, THE SECOND HOME

Personally, I was in the same school for 12 years (cue the 12 years a slave jokes) and reflecting on my life there now, I can safely say that they also had a role to play in feeding my insecurities. First of all, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, the liturgical dancers were always a certain height/size.Okay, maybe that was their personal preference but did they really take the time to think about the impact selectively excluding a group of girls because of their physique could have on them? Probably not. The rest of us were made to watch them practice day in and day out because they didn’t have clothes that could fit us. Couldn’t they have invested in adjustable outfits? (I must admit however that I noticed a change in this trend a few years later).

Now my close friends know that one of my biggest insecurities is my thighs. Trust me when I say that the school played a role in feeding this insecurity. Being called aside during a swimming class and told to invest in a biker(a tight fitting black short) to wear with your costume because your thighs are thick and not firm doesn’t really sit well with a young adolescent, it wasn’t only me though, in following classes I noticed that all ‘big’ girls had been made to buy it. Ever since then, I’ve been so ashamed of my thighs, I’ve always fantasised about getting a thigh reduction just so that they aren’t as big.

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Who remembers how Village Market used to be the best place to go to for swimming?

BE CAREFUL OF THE FRIENDS YOU CHOOSE TO KEEP

When it comes to friendships, we really only have ourselves to blame, because these are people we choose to keep around us.

I had a friend in high school and we were close, inseparable you may say. Our friendship was not a healthy one at all. She’d make all sorts of comments about my body such as my weight or the thickness of my lips(yet another insecurity of mine), you may say it was just banter but truth is it was beyond that and I knew it. Instead of distancing myself from all that negativity, I chose to stay and suffer. Things got so bad I slowly started changing things about myself like my smile, I tried to reduce the thickness of my lips during that simple action because apparently light skins aren’t supposed to have thick lips.

We were reshuffled at the end of form 2 and I was moved to the other class. Honestly, I saw this as my escape route despite feigning sadness at the thought of not being in the same class. For the remaining two years I was constantly being asked why we stopped being friends and being thrown for comments such as “…but you guys were soo close…” someone even had the audacity to tell me that I was hurting her by ignoring her and not talking to her.

Okay maybe I used extreme methods to distance myself but if I was to go back I wouldn’t do it any other way knowing the kind of person I am.

Truth is, when you allow people into your life, you give them some sort of power. With this power, they can either help you or destroy you depending on  how close they can get. It’s better to find yourself and save you from being put down so much you can’t take it anymore. If a friendship isn’t beneficial to you, leave, no one is holding you back.

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I can see the effects of insecurity in this one picture.

 THOUGHTS..?

Who came up with the idea of a perfect body type?  Everyone is allowed to have their preferences but there’s no need to bring another down just because they don’t fit your idea of perfect.

We all need to watch what we say carefully, truth is you may think you’re just messing around with someone but once you touch on their insecurity you can really hurt them.

Children should be taught from an early age to love each other despite their differences. That way as they grow up, they’ll embrace the diversity of people openly.

 

CONCLUSION

You may ask why I’m doing this? Well I’m doing it for the big girls, the small girls and the ones in between. I’m also doing it for the boys because they go through similar experiences but shy away from sharing them.

Love yourself so fiercely no matter what anyone says to you because at the end of the day you only have yourself. Walk with so much confidence that no one will be able to bring you down.

My insecurity ate me from the inside. To date I consider myself a very shy person and would prefer to be alone majority of the time. I am still very insecure about a lot of things, still learning how to deal with my insecurities. I make baby steps each day , because I know I’ll eventually get to a place where I have a sense of security.

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Photo was captured by my friend Brian Wagako. Instagram (@w.a.g.a.k.o) and the makeup by my talented friend Terry Mburu 🙂

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